Now I have a fear

Back when I was a kid my family lived in my grandmas basement. 

We had one room for 6 girls, and only 4 could fit in the bed. 

Believe me when I say I understand how Harry Potter felt, because me and my sister slept in the closet on storage boxes,

Although,

We each got our own side. 

But it was okay, because every once in a while one of us would get to squeeze in with our sisters and sleep in a real bed. 

The next room we got had a few beds, but being around 4 years of age I had trouble sleeping soundly. 

To help me my mom would come lay by my side and I'd wrap myself around her arm in hopes she would stay. 

But no matter how many ways I tried to keep her there, no matter how tight I thought I held on, she was always gone by morning and I'd wake to no one there. 

When I grew old enough for school I went without question, only to find when I came home my report card lay open. 

And anything less than an 'A' resulted in a look from my dad. 

He didn't even have to say the words:

You can do better,

You're a smart girl,

I expect nothing but the best,

Your sisters went to BYU and you will too. 

His eyes said it all. 

Now 17 years old I still find that same look from my dad, and even from myself. 

And it seems this attitude follows me like a shadow with everything i do. 

If my attempt reeks any failure, even in the slightest, I've lost. 

Because what's the point if you can't be perfect, let alone good enough. 

And with friends slamming, locking, and burning doors, I find myself alone. 

When all I need is someone that I know won't disappear once morning comes. 

17 years old, I thought I'd turn out okay. 

But I still remember that one time my sister said:

You're annoying,

Just be quiet,

GO AWAY!!

And then, silence. 

It echoes in my mind and haunts my heart with every action I take. 

And now instead of 'okay',

I have a fear of failure,

A fear of being unwanted, 

And a fear that when someone leaves, they're never coming back.