Real Talk

You want real? I'll give you real.

Because when I was in 8th grade life took
the liberty of deciding it was time for
me to grow up.

And for the next four and a half years I
struggled.
I lost friends to depression,
I lost friends because I was too quiet,
and I lost friends because food scared me.

But,

I couldn't be more glad I almost didn't make it.

What I share next is the very first time I wrote.
It's who I was, and the feelings I conquered.
I don't encourage these feelings in anyone, but
it does feel wrong to change what I wrote and
become untrue to myself.



" Something Wrong With me?

Depression my dear is more than you know.
It's just like any other injury.
The difference is the brain's inside the head,
you can't see it happening and you don't want
others to know.
'cause once they do,
you're seen as a freak.
Weird.
Mentally ill to the point of avoidance.

But please see, it's not much different than 
the common cold.
You should be ashamed that you help those
where you see the injury, but not when you 
can't.

But we're hurting too.
We need help.

Antidepressants and therapy sure,
but that doesn't always help.
We feel as though our world's gone back,
perhaps shades of blue.

A smile, a wave, trying to laugh.
Being happy just can't be done, and you'll
never know the physical pain of trying to
hide the sadness.
A simple "I'm fine" might fool others.
But you know it's not going to end.
Sure they say, "everything will be ok",
but when do they say it's going to get
bad again.

Happiness is just another scary thought
feared by those depressed.
It's what we want but can't obtain.
It's something knew and unfamiliar.
Happiness, it won't last,
For fear that once it's enjoyed, it will be 
taken again.

Dark at night, you against the world.
Suicide was the only thought.
Trying to block it out, it all seems 
so clear.
Leave here
and the sadness..
It can't hurt me anymore.
It won't be my only friend,
the feeling that's all too familiar.

Once a friend, truly an angel from above.
He saved me from that night.
Saved me for a day,
a week,
maybe even a month.
But it all comes back, there's almost no
escape.
Some, the feelings pass and they're done
dealing with it, for others it's a life long
struggle.
A fight between the want of happiness,
to feel like everyone else,
And the feeling that you've grown to 
know, the only one you can react to.
When the only way to end the pain is to 
leave this place,
Only because death is involved, they say..

"Please don't go.
You're beautiful,
One of a kind,
You can't be replaced."

When hun, don't you realize, 
you already have.

No one will notice, and if they do..
They'll move on so quick it's really
like I never lived.

So when my thoughts,
my feelings,
they won't go away.
I myself, must leave. "

I'm still a little lost in my darkness, but I've
found myself.
Because when I was alone I discovered what
was most important to me, the friends that
mattered, and the family I relearned to
love.

You wanted real, and this is the writing that
was my beginning.

These are the words that kept me alive.